Let me feel broken

I need to write for hours. There's so much shit that I need to process. I am slowly dissolving. I'm having a serious case of eating and sleeping disorder. I'm under a great deal of pressure and I'm emotionally damaged. Not that I don't love it. I enjoy being in the middle of a toado. My life is whirling around me and I'm enjoying the chaos.

I think before getting back up, I need to face the reality. I think I choose not to digest it. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. I just want to be broken and shattered. I want to feel it wholly. I need to believe it first.